Life Force Movement & Coaching, LLC

How Perfectionism Pushed Me to the Breaking Point

A Lesson in Lived Experience

I vividly remember a conversation I had with a fellow soccer coach years ago. She had played at an extremely high level – even training alongside U.S. legend Mia Hamm – and was a director at our club.

She mentioned one of the other directors and dismissed his coaching ability because he hadn’t played at a high level as a youth and never played in college.

“He doesn’t know what it feels like to be in that setting or to play under the pressure of a national team,” she said.

Whether or not that disqualified him as a good coach is debatable, but her words stayed with me.

That conversation stuck because it highlighted an important truth: knowledge is not the same as lived experience. You can read every book about staying calm under pressure, but it’s different when you feel it in your own body, when scouts, coaches, and teammates are all measuring your every move.

I’ve come to realize the same is true for perfectionism. It’s one thing to understand the research; it’s another to live it, day after day.

And this isn’t just about me. Perfectionism is everywhere. I often joke that tying self-worth to achievement is the American way. In fact, research shows it’s rising sharply. One large-scale study found that perfectionism among young people has increased by more than 30% since the late 1980s, with socially prescribed perfectionism — the sense that others expect you to be flawless — climbing the fastest.

The cost is steep: living in a constant state of anxiety, bodies that can’t recover, and relationships stretched thin by impossible expectations. If you’ve ever felt like no matter what you do it’s never enough, or that your body simply can’t keep up with the demands, then you already know the toll perfectionism takes.

My Personal Breaking Point

It wasn’t until graduate school that I fully recognized how perfectionism showed up in my own life. Until then, I thought striving for perfection was a noble goal. But once I learned how it affects the mind, body, and relationships, I realized I was a walking example of it.

I was constantly chasing unrealistic goals, worrying endlessly, beating myself up when I fell short, and never feeling satisfaction even when I succeeded.

It’s a formula that breeds stress, anxiety, rumination, and shame. I tied my worth to achievement, always wondering if I would still be accepted or loved if I failed. To avoid that possibility, I tried to control everything around me. I replayed events over and over — wishing I had said or done things differently to avoid setbacks or repair fractured relationships.

When you’re stuck in that perfectionist loop, there’s no end. There’s always another worry, another obstacle, another mistake waiting to happen.

Eventually, I began to notice how perfectionism-driven stress affected not just my mind, but my body too. My system was stuck on high alert, always scanning for danger. My nervous system never shifted into rest and repair. Add to that my habit of pushing myself to the limit during workouts, and my stress response became completely dysfunctional.

“At its core, perfectionism isn’t about being perfect — it’s about trying to fill a void with achievement.”

Without the ability to recover, my body started to shut down — digestive issues, chronic muscle and joint pain, and a total inability to handle even small stressors in a way that aligned with my values.

I’d always been fit, active, and proud of my physique. Co-workers once nicknamed me “Baywatch Joe.” But when my body couldn’t keep up, it started to mess with my head. I began turning down events I wanted to attend, knowing I’d pay the price physically.

Friends would look at me strangely, trying to convince me to join, and I felt like they thought I was making excuses. I even questioned myself: “Is this just in my head?”

It’s hard to reconcile having a Baywatch body but feeling like it’s held together with duct tape and super glue. Or going to bed earlier than my grandma on a Saturday night, hoping rest would be enough to help me heal.

I share this not to elicit sympathy, but so you know you’re not alone. I know what it feels like when your body is breaking down and doctors don’t have answers. I know what it feels like when specialist after specialist shrugs and says, “You’re probably just sore because you’re active.”

I know what it feels like to be trapped in endless rumination, to believe there’s no way out – when body and mind keep telling me the same thing. That I am broken. I know how it wears down your goals, your relationships, and your sense of worth.

The Path to Healing

But I also know what it feels like to begin pulling out of the spiral. At first it comes in brief flashes — a moment of calm here and there. Then, slowly, those moments expand. I began to notice how my body responded when I stepped out of the thought-induced stress loop. Tension melted. Pain eased. Digestion improved.

To truly break free and heal, fundamental change is necessary. At its core, perfectionism isn’t about being perfect — it’s about trying to fill a void with achievement. It’s about low self-worth and the fear that we aren’t lovable as we are. Healing requires changing how we relate to ourselves: catching our thoughts, reframing our beliefs, and interrupting rumination.

But cognitive change alone isn’t enough. The most powerful healing comes when we pair those shifts with a bottom-up approach. When we signal to the body that it’s safe. When we cultivate presence through breathwork, mindfulness, and gentle, intentional movement.

In that state, the body shifts out of constant danger mode and into recovery. The parasympathetic system turns on, and we finally begin to rest and heal.

It’s not easy. These patterns take years to build, they don’t unravel overnight. But with the right approach, even small shifts can bring noticeable change. And, over time, real healing.

That conversation with my colleague years ago taught me that knowledge and lived experience are not the same. I know this now more than ever with perfectionism. I’ve researched it, I’ve lived it, and I’ve begun to heal it. And my hope is that you see the same is possible for you.

Is Your Nervous System Stuck in Overdrive?

How to recognize the signs and reset with breath and gentle movement

The first thing I notice is my breath—shallow, high in my chest. My thoughts start racing, but I don’t always catch it; years of rumination trained me to call this “normal.” In that headspace, real and perceived threats blur together.

Then my body tells the truth: muscles tighten, joints ache (especially my forearms and hands), a lump rises in my throat/upper chest, my stomach gets bloated and tender, and sleep suffers. If I keep pushing past the signals, fatigue sets in.

Does any of this sounds familiar? For years I thought this was just my normal. But it turns out many of us live this way without realizing our body is stick in stress mode.

This is how the body reacts when stuck in a trauma or extended stress response.

Remember when Toyota Priuses had that issue where the gas pedal would get stuck to the floor and drivers couldn’t slow down? That’s exactly what a stuck stress response feels like.

In a healthy system, the gas pedal works: we press down when we need energy and ease off when the danger passes. But when it’s stuck, it’s like being behind the wheel, pressing the brakes, and the car won’t respond. The body just keeps speeding forward, even though the threat is gone.

How do we pull ourselves out of this response?

Step 1 Recognize What’s Happening

The sooner we notice we’re in a stress response, the easier it is to interrupt it. Here’s why:

The body releases a cascade of hormones — first adrenaline, then cortisol. Catching it early takes far less time and energy than trying to stop it later.
Every time we get swept away, it reinforces the neural networks for rumination, bracing, and hypervigilance.
Cortisol and muscle tension take time to return to baseline.
Rumination and catastrophic thinking feed on themselves — the longer we stay with them, the harder they are to stop.

Step 2 Rethink The Work Harder Mindset

We live in a no-pain-no-gain culture. The message is everywhere: If it’s not working, do more. Work harder. My dad even has a banner in his gym that reads, “Nobody cares. Work harder.”

There’s a time and place for that mindset. But when we’re stuck in a stress response, pushing harder can make things worse.

Here’s why: intense exercise (CrossFit, HIIT, heavy training) mirrors the same chemistry as stress. Both flood the body with adrenaline and cortisol. If your nervous system is already in overdrive, adding more of these hormones often leads to exhaustion, inflammation, and slower recovery – even if you’re working hard with the best intentions.

Even low-level, ongoing stress combined with hard training can overload the system — leading to the same cycle of fatigue, soreness, and frustration. Overtraining isn’t just physical; it’s also your nervous system calling out for relief.

“Your body already holds the wisdom to heal. When you listen to its signals, you create the space to soften and reset”

Step 3a Choose Movement that Restores

Typically, people stuck in a stress response drift between two states: low-level discomfort that feels “normal” and alarm-bell intensity that can’t be ignored. Once things calm down, they dive back into the same routine — and the cycle continues.

The path to healing looks different. It means honoring what the body is really asking for: presence, gentleness, and grace.

Restorative practices can make a profound difference as your nervous system recovers:

Yin or restorative yoga: Gentle, nourishing poses with longer holds that invite relaxation and release stuck tension.
Stretch routines: Simple daily stretches for the neck, shoulders, spine, and hips. Even 10 minutes can shift how you feel.
Corrective/activation exercises: Targeted moves to strengthen weak muscles, improve mobility, and support posture.

If your system is deeply depleted, start with stretching, and add corrective work slowly. Even small movements can feel surprisingly taxing when the body is asking for rest. And that’s okay, honoring that signal is part of the healing process.

Use Breath as Your Anchor

Breath is the most accessible tool for calming a stuck nervous system. Under stress, breathing becomes shallow and rapid. By slowing it down — inhaling into the belly, then extending the exhale — we send a powerful signal of safety to the body.

Pairing intentional breath with gentle movement deepens the effect. Together, they create space for the body to soften, reset, and gradually shift out of survival mode.

Learning to step out of a stuck stress response isn’t about doing more — it’s about doing differently.

First, recognize what’s happening. Catch the signs early before the cascade carries you away.
Second, rethink the “work harder” mindset. Restoring balance means avoiding stress on top of stress.
Third, choose practices that restore. Gentle movement and intentional breath create the conditions your body needs to recover.

Your body already holds the wisdom to heal. When you listen to its signals — and respond with presence instead of force — you create the space to soften, reset, and move forward with greater resilience.

And remember even ten minutes a day of restorative movement or mindful breathing can shift your entire state. Start there.

Why I Focus on Stress & Perfectionism in my Work

Understanding the Hidden Feedback Loop Between Stress, Tension, and Pain

Why do I focus so much on stress and perfectionism as a stretch and movement specialist?

Because this is what I hear all the time:

“I’m working out. I’m foam rolling. I’m stretching. But my body still feels tight, tense, or stuck in a loop.”

Sound familiar?

Let’s pause and consider this widely accepted pathway: Stress → Tension → Aches & Pain.

Clients often come in saying they feel tight — but their range of motion is completely within a normal range.

So, what gives?

I help my clients uncover the true source of their tension — not just so they feel better in the moment, but so they can actually begin to heal.

Hear me out…

Yes, I may have neck pain because I look down at my phone, or tight hips because I sit at a desk all day. These are common problems — and we can fix them together.

But what if I’m also chronically stressed? That creates tension in the body, which leads to more aches and pain.

It’s now widely accepted that unprocessed emotions are stored in the body. So if we’re stressed all the time, we’re also likely tense all the time.

This tension creates a feedback loop — constantly signaling danger to the brain. We stay stuck in sympathetic mode (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), unable to fully shift into our parasympathetic state (rest and digest).

And here’s the key: the body doesn’t feel safe enough to relax.

Even worse this tension feeds the mind-body feedback loop triggering thoughts that produce stress. You read that right, the tension in our bodies signal danger to our brain, and it begins to think thoughts that match this stressful state.

In these cases, the only way to truly relieve tension is to teach the body how to rest.

How do you know if stress is playing a role in your tightness?

Short answer: it affects all of us to some degree.

But here are some common signs of a nervous system stuck in stress mode:

Fatigue, even after rest
Brain fog or trouble focusing
Anxiety, irritability, or emotional numbness
Digestive issues (bloating, constipation, IBS)
Chronic pain or inflammation
Sleep difficulties (especially trouble staying asleep)
Feeling “wired but tired”
Low motivation or burnout

Why movement alone isn’t always enough

This kind of regulation requires a holistic approach. Stretching relieves tension, helps improve mobility, and unlocks stuck emotion stored in the body. Corrective exercises eliminate dysfunction and improve posture – but they have to be done intentionally and with an understanding of the nervous system.

When we pair these with proven stress-reduction tools, we start teaching the body how to relax.

Here’s how I help my clients teach their bodies to feel safe again:

Gentle fascial stretch techniques to release stored tension
Breathwork to shift the nervous system out of “fight or flight”
Corrective movement to improve posture without overwhelming the system

If this sounds familiar — you’re not imagining it, and you’re definitely not alone. It’s the reason so many people feel stuck, even when they’re doing “all the right things.”

The body needs to feel safe before it can relax and fully release. You can’t force your way out of stress — but you can teach your body how to soften.

We’re conditioned to push harder and do more. But when the nervous system is dysregulated, what the body really needs is gentleness… intention… and compassion.

The good news? You can reverse years of stress-induced tension.

You can teach your body to relax.
And you can return to your favorite activities — without the constant aches and pain.

If this resonated, subscribe to my newsletter for more nervous system-friendly movement tips, body-based insights, and tools for releasing stress and tension. New subscribers receive a 40% off code for their first session.

Perfectionism & the Need to Control

How difficult is it for you to adjust when things do not go according to plan? Are you able to easily pivot, adjusting to circumstances while searching for value in the setback or changes? Or does your entire world constrict, leaving you fuming or blasting anyone perceived as responsible for the forced adjustment to your plans?

The ability to pivot when circumstances are out of our control is a valuable skill, enabling us to push forward despite setbacks and, perhaps, without a clear picture of how the next step will unfold.

However, adjusting to change is generally not an attribute the perfectionist can claim as their own.

In fact, they tend to embody qualities and view the world through a specific lens that make this a near impossible task. Defining qualities of perfectionists are fear of failure, a cognitive style consisting of rigidity and all or none thinking, and the setting of, what are often, unrealistic goals.

If I strive to achieve insanely difficult goals – yet I am terrified of failure – while also expecting everything to go exactly according to plan, one can see how any change will be perceived as a considerable threat.

The behavior this elicits is quite predictable, demanding perfection from themselves, as well as everyone around them. But we know this is an impossible task, so it creates a lot of turmoil.

The perfectionist is not shy about placing their unrealistic demands on others. If anyone falls short, they will find themselves on the receiving end of the perfectionist’s wrath. In this way, it is not surprising that research consistently reveals that perfectionists have difficulty getting along with others.

While there is certainly nothing wrong with holding others accountable, the perfectionist has a way of wearing others down, constantly picking at mistakes or shortcoming, making them feel like they can never do anything right and that nothing is good enough. If you happened to grow up with perfectionist parents, you understand this all too well.

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.”
– unknown

Not only does this negatively affect relationships, but it also kills the motivation of those around us. Damaging others self-esteem, while they slowly grow to despise you, is not exactly the healthy environment desired to achieve highly ambitious goals.

Yet it’s not only others who feel the wrath of perfectionist demands; they are just as hard on themselves, often living in a state of discontent, brought on by the longing for their lofty goals while failing to enjoy the ride or current accomplishments. They often ruminate on mistakes or problems that need to be solved, leaving them emotionally drained.

It’s easy to see how perceived control creates a haven allowing the perfectionist to feel comfortable in their environment, free from the burden of thinking something might prevent accomplishment of their goal.

Interestingly, its often this rigidity of thinking that prevents a goal from being accomplished, not mistakes or the need to alter course, which are normal aspects of the process. When we view a problem as an opportunity to learn, grow, and re-evaluate, things move forward rapidly, and we flow with the current instead of constantly fighting against it.

Equally important is the impact we can have building relationships. If we are to accomplish outrageous goals, we need the support of others around us. And just as constant criticism kills motivation, we can also use difficult moments to build trust and connection by providing assurance, understanding and compassion while still holding others accountable when necessary.

Despite our best efforts to control, we must realize that it’s an illusion brought about by fear. Only when we learn to go with the flow are we able to tap into the assistance always provided by the universe, which always knows the simplest and most effective way to accomplish any task.

We create a plan, work diligently toward our goal, and allow the process to unfold naturally – mistakes, unexpected turns, and all. We adjust when necessary, allowing freedom to change course when there is a setback, or the old plan no longer feels appropriate.

It’s from this space great things are created. I wish you comfort and ease on your journey.

Perfectionism: Understanding What Constant Stress Does to Your Body

Are you often stressed? Feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? High expectations constantly on your mind? Ruminating about mistakes that you’ve made or areas you feel you are falling short?

Maybe you feel tired… like, a lot… As in, difficulty getting up in the morning, struggling to find energy to complete the days necessary tasks, then crashing at night wondering how you are going to do it all over again, rinse, repeat…

Stress & Fatigue

It should come to no surprise that stress and fatigue are intimately linked. This is something perfectionists know about all too well…

The unceasing need to achieve often places the perfectionist in a constant state of dissatisfaction recognizing the gap between where they are and where they wish to be. From this space, is the feeling they are letting themselves and everyone around them down. Any setback becomes a threat to their self-worth and feelings of acceptance.

They become self-critical and demand perfection from others as to not get in the way of their ambitious goals.

What is increasingly clear is that it’s not just an emotional toll, the body is slowly deteriorating, until it can no longer keep up with the unrealistic demands. Commonly, the individual begins experiencing stomach problems, muscles/joints aches, or they’re always tired.

The research overwhelmingly supports what so many experience daily. Perfectionism has a dramatic effect on the body, strongly linked to chronic conditions, such as Crohn’s disease, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome.

When considering its effect on the body, the perfectionist pathway often resembles this: perfectionistic thinking – stress – cortisol overload – inflammation – dysfunction – pain – fatigue.

Quite the conundrum is created. The incessant striving creates an environment where the body struggles to deal with the onslaught of stress. This overload overwhelms the body, so it no longer has the energy to meet the demands placed upon it. Consequently, the individual now experiences more stress because they are unable to work toward their goals in the way they are accustomed to.

If one is to heal, or if this doesn’t feel attainable, then say, improve from these chronic conditions, they must go back to the source, which for the perfectionist, is intimately tied to their style of achievement striving.

Listening to Your Body

Of utmost importance is learning to listen to the body’s messages and make changes when necessary.

Our body consistently reflects our emotional state. When we are tense and stressed, we feel tightness in our shoulders and neck, or when anxious, we say we have butterflies in our stomach. So, the understanding our body communicates is not something new to us, even if to this point, we’ve ignored the messages.

The difference between being balanced, emotionally regulated, and going with the flow is quite distinct from stressed, emotionally dysregulated, and battling against the world to get what we want.

For the perfectionist, the practice of dropping into the body is no easy task. The inclination is to live in their heads, ignore the body, and push to achieve goals at whatever cost – even at the expense of their own health. Learning to listen to the body is a skill that must be developed.

Meditation, breath work, and intentional movement are incredibly effective ways to nurture this newfound relationship with your body.

But simply, we become more proficient by choosing to listen in each moment. Is there a food that you love, but feels like it doesn’t love you? Stop eating it. Is there an activity you enjoy but continues to cause you pain? Stop doing it. The magic lies in listening and choosing a different path.

After all, how likely are we to recognize intuitive whispers when we ignore the messages our bodies shout at us daily.

As we become more aware of sensations within the body, we better understand when it says, “yes, you’re on the right track,” or “no, you need to alter course.”

When we make the difficult decision to change, and step into the unknown, energy that was once trapped in our body, revealing misalignment, is now accessible to create something new. Often, this energy is exactly what a person needs to achieve their goal.

Clarity comes into view when before there was only confusion, or perhaps, out of nowhere, instead of roadblocks, a new path emerges that one hadn’t considered. These are ways the universe provides intuitive guidance.

It’s not always about doing more and outworking the competition. I consistently tell my clients that what we wish to achieve, often resides in what we are willing to give up. We free up space and nurture our intuition.

Have big dreams, create a vision for your intentions, and work to hone your skills. But let go of the need to control, allow yourself the freedom to adjust, and when your body speaks to you, please listen.

Perfectionism & the Ruminating Mind

I was 23 when I recognized a serious problem… Speaking with a friend, I told him of the issue, “it doesn’t matter what is happening in my life – I could have 99 amazing things going for me, but one thing causing stress or heartache, that’s what my mind focuses on incessantly.”

He replied with confusion, “But I don’t get how you can recognize that and still only focus on the negative.” I didn’t understand it either, it was a difficult time…

What I now understand is how prevalent this type of behavior is for those with perfectionist tendencies. The constant rumination – worrying about negative events – is an ongoing struggle.

Perfectionists exhibit a difficult combination of behaviors that can make living in the present moment quite difficult. There exists a desire to achieve, often accompanied by unrealistic expectations, all-or-nothing thinking, and finally a state of dissatisfaction until the goal is accomplished.

In this scenario the mind takes over, finding more reasons to be unhappy, more work that’s incomplete, and feelings of unworthiness creep in. We wonder why we’re not farther along or more successful.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
– Albert Einstein

Perfectionism is a problem of the mind. Yet, trying to ‘fix’ our thinking from this space is an uphill battle, at best.

Not only is it rather trite to suggest a person, “just focus on the positive,” but it’s also incredibly ineffective. Albert Einstein was credited with saying, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

And moving to a new state of consciousness is best approached when we include, not only the mind, but also the body and breathe. Each compliment the others – we can use the body and breath to heal the mind, the mind and breath to heal the body, or body and mind to heal our breath.

It took years trying to ‘change my thinking’ before I adopted a holistic approach that cared for my body’s needs and helped change destructive patterns that left me anxious, constantly stressed, unhappy, and feeling like I was letting myself down along with everyone around me.

When constantly trapped in our mind, the world can be a lonely and difficult place to exist.

But we can be free from the mind’s constant chatter; we are at our best when the heart and mind function coherently. We learn to live in the present moment, free from the burden of doubt, concern about mistakes, fear of failure, or the perceived expectations of others – all defining features of perfectionistic thinking.

Meditate, develop an intimate relationship with your breath, and listen to your body and the type of movement it craves. You will heal mind, body, and soul while realizing you can stop fighting against the world when striving toward your goals. Solutions to your problems will appear, in what seems like out of the blue, but it all starts with a quiet mind, and a willingness to listen to the whispers from our intuition.

I wish you ease on your journey.

When Movement is No Longer Medicine

One thing I’ve learned from personal experience and insane amounts of academic research is that perfectionists are absolutely horrible at caring for their body. Despite often being active, fit, and even obsessive with their appearance, interestingly, this frequently comes at the expense of their health.

We have to stop and think, when activities meant to improve health and well-being are now the catalyst for health problems, what is it that is motivating our behavior?

I was forced into back surgery just days after my 29^th birthday. The surgeon suggested a 3–6-month recovery process before the fusion would be set and I could go back to my regular routine, which consisted of spending hours in the gym daily.

Without a doubt, I knew I would be back in three months. To me, there was no other option.

I rehabbed tirelessly, doing everything that was required and more. Three months came and went, but I still experienced significant pain. Three more months past, and the situation remained unchanged. The pain was excruciating, but I only knew one way… keep pushing forward. Mind over matter. If what I was doing wasn’t working, just do more.

This is the story for so many perfectionists and the relationship to their body.

Often, being athletic, fit, and receiving compliments because of their physique becomes an integral part of their identity – an outward portrayal of their “perfect-ness.” Considering perfectionists tendency is to hide anything that could be perceived as imperfect, one could see how outward appearance becomes so important.

“These pains you feel are messengers, listen to them.”
– Rumi

I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me hoping to eliminate dysfunction in their body and the resulting pain. Generally, what they want is an exercise or stretch that solves all their problems so they can continue pushing themselves to the limit. But the truth is – when it comes to healing the body – what we eliminate is often more important that anything we could add, especially if we have been dealing with the problem for a long time.

And odds are, the pain is something that has lingered for quite some time. Perfectionists’ tenacity when overcoming obstacles is what has enabled them to accomplish so much – pushing, grinding, never letting anything stand in their way.

But a time comes when we must stop and listen to the intelligence of our body. Small things will develop into big things; it’s not a matter of if, but when. The minor problem will develop into something you wish you had given attention to sooner.

So cut yourself a break, that shoulder, knee, back, or neck pain you’ve been dealing with, give it the attention it deserves. It will require change. You may have to eliminate some activities for a while, change some habits, and adjust your routine, but in the process, you heal, reconnect with your body, and learn that when you give it what it craves, your body gives you more back then you ever could have imagined.

Life is too short, there is so much to explore, and constant pain is far from a requirement. As the Sufi poet, Rumi, stated so elegantly, “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”

And if there is anything I can do to assist you on your journey please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Hey Perfectionists, Enjoy the Process!

Ahhhh… the joy of achievement! It’s so gratifying, is it not!? … Or is it? … How you answer this question likely has to do with how much you resonate with the term perfectionist.

Perfectionists tend to be highly driven individuals, setting lofty goals and pushing toward accomplishment at any cost. They know what they want and go after it with vigor.

And what happens once they’ve achieved the desired result? Yes, a feeling of satisfaction generally exists; a sense of a job well done. Weeks, months, or even years’ worth of grinding have finally paid off. What’s next, you wonder??? Well, the next goal of course.

This in and of itself is not a problem. In fact, this behavior is highly adaptive – healthy. We are wired to chase goals. The problem lies in the perfectionists’ state of mind throughout the achievement process. This is where they tend to get themselves into trouble.

Because the vision consists of an unfailing need to succeed, to be on top, or to be the best, a gap often exists between what the perfectionist desires and where they are now. This comes with discontent for current circumstances, rumination, and worry that things are not progressing as quickly as desired.

This leads to stress, and chronic stress leads to a whole gamut of problems – both emotional and physical – from anxiety and depression to chronic fatigue, migraines, and stomach problems.

While there is certainly nothing wrong with chasing our dreams, setting goals, and having high hopes for the future, this cannot be at the expense of our current well-being. If I am not satisfied with current circumstances, what reason do I have to believe that accomplishing the next goal will make me happy?

“The ability to stay in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”
– Abraham Maslow

As previously mentioned, the typical reaction is to be content for a short while, then set sights on the next goal.

Consider the pattern… I chase a big goal. Throughout the journey, I am stressed, self-critical, dissatisfied, and worried because I am not where I want to be. If/when the goal is achieved (often burnout plays a destructive role), gratification is short-lived. Set a new goal. Repeat.

We must find the space where we can both strive while also being content with current circumstances. We learn to enjoy the current moment and the process without concern for outcome. We take joy in the process. Achievement research refers to this as a task or mastery orientation, which is the true trademark for high achievers, not perfectionistic striving.

This viewpoint is mirrored in religion, philosophy, and new age teachings. From Hinduism, the term karma yoga comes to mind – to complete each task impeccably while leaving results to the unknown. Psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested that “the ability to stay in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”

If you find yourself in a space feeling like your current achievements don’t feel like enough, progress is moving slow, and you continue to hit roadblocks, please, simply step back, take a deep breath, and find things to celebrate. When we stop worrying about what we don’t have and shift our attention to all that we do, our reality changes. Instead of problems, we find solutions. Burnout is replaced with a sustaining energy that comes along with enjoying our creative process.

It is entirely possible to be grateful for all that we have, enjoying the process, while also striving for more. Instead of placing our happiness in the hands of our next goal, we get to live happy in the moment. Our well-being is now completely in our control, free from the burden of outcome and external sources. Give yourself a break. We can enjoy the process and the reward – it is possible, even necessary, that we learn to celebrate both.

Moving On From Our Past

Here’s the thing about pain. There is only one way to truly get rid of it. And it’s not stuffing things down, staying busy, or ignoring what we are facing. While this might prevent pain in the moment, it will reappear, again and again, in some form, and in ways that are unexpected to you and likely confusing to others.

We must feel this pain so it can move through us, and we can release it. Without this, the emotion gets stored in the body. It reveals itself in the most inopportune moments.

I understand why we hide from our past hurts; quite simply, it sucks to be in pain. It’s hard to feel completely broken because you felt unloved, unseen, mistreated, abused, let down, or any form of hurt.

Dealing with these intense emotions is not for the faint of heart. Still, it’s just the beginning of the process – acceptance, release, then often some form of action is required.

Until recently, I failed to realize how this inaction was creating so much pain in my life. It was buried away but revealed when I tried to express love. The pain came flooding back, old patterns exposed in the worst moments, often accompanied by regrettable behavior.

After my divorce, I was so broken, engulfed in shame and heartache. To heal, I chose to keep to myself. I was awakening to a new reality and way of existing in this world – discovering self-love for the first time. I was in the cocoon phase…

The years rolled by, and still I wasn’t doing anything to move forward or build new relationships. I understood my past, my conditioning, my limiting beliefs, I felt the pain. OMG, did I feel the pain. When you hold in a lifetime of emotions, and you finally release, it’s a daunting process.

Even though I experienced comfort releasing this pain, on some level it must have scared me from moving forward. There must have been a part of me who thought, “whatever happens, don’t let any of that happen again. Stay small, stay hidden, it’s safe here.”

I didn’t date for three years after my divorce. I had one painful experience and didn’t date again for another year. From my divorce until I first expressed to a partner I loved her – over five years has passed (it was terrifying).

During those cocoon years, I began blogging. I was learning to express myself, to share. It was incredibly difficult – having hid myself my entire life – but I made the leap. I grew more comfortable and had ambitions to write a book but didn’t know how to make it a reality.

Out of nowhere, a family member entered my life, promising to fund my writing process, offering me 100K so I could focus on my writing without distraction. In a strange series of events, I hastily began writing my book, but I never got the money, and he disappeared. I was left confused, sorry for myself, and in a worse place then when I began the process.

I stopped writing until now… three years later.

I recognized my hurt. I felt it, or so I thought. I believed I had moved on. I understood my limiting beliefs – I was unworthy of love, I place low value on myself, and my voice is not worth sharing.

I thought I was changing, but the pain kept me stuck. “Don’t go out there,” it continued to scream from the depths of my soul. “It’s dangerous out there. DO NOT DO IT!”

Tomorrow always feels like a good day to move forward, to live the life we desire, but that’s not good enough. Tomorrow will always present circumstances making it easy to put things off until… well, tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

Change must occur today, in the current moment. The healing process begins right now. Unfortunately, we must recognize that action doesn’t always mean we get what we want. That’s why it can be so scary.

After years of suppressing our emotions, communication can be sloppy and messy. We might face rejection. We might fail. But this is all part of the journey. We begin to understand that outcomes don’t define us as much as our ability to push forward, living the life we desire, without concern for what others think or how successful we become.

What I’ve experienced in my life, it’s not the outcome that sustains us, rather the feeling associated with facing our fears, stepping into the unknown, and doing something that is challenging.

Not only is this incredibly nurturing and healing, but it gives us something no outside source ever could. It gives us our lives back. We are no longer dependent of outside circumstances to provide us joy, love, or safety. It’s nice to receive these things from others, but true love, acceptance, and joy come from within.

So, finally, I am re-entering this space embracing fear as my teacher. What am I scared of? Okay, I’ll do that. What am I scared to write? I’ll write that.

It’s scary. Its emotional. I continue to make mistakes. But beyond all, I am healing – fully and completely.

This journey has provided clarity, recognizing how the relationship we have with our body affects our ability to tap into its stored wisdom and listen. I would still be stuck in the same space, or worse, had I not chosen to do things differently. Exercise is no longer about looking good, gaining attention from others, or feeling like I am still a good athlete. Instead, I move to heal, ensuring the body is aligned and energy properly flows through the body. I meditate A LOT. I continue to learn the importance of our breath and its dramatic impact on our nervous system. AND through the fear, I act, doing those scary things that are begging for completion.

May you find the courage to live a life free from your past, and in alignment with the person you wish to be. Much love.

HSP and Overarousal

A term I deeply resonate with is that of a highly sensitive person, or HSP. It closely resembles what the spiritual community refers to as an empath – empathy is a defining characteristic of a HSP – but for me the research provides both clarity and validation. Research suggests high sensitivity is genetically linked and resided in about 20% of the population. Life as an HSP could be considered both a blessing and a curse.

What consistently brings me back to this research are moments when I am overstimulated – overstimulation is another key HSP component. Learning about my trait is comforting, it provides understanding, and helps me normalize what I deal with when outside stimuli is overwhelming, which happens more often than I would like.

Anything we sense may contribute to overstimulation, loud noises, busy rooms, or events, even sensitivities to substances, like caffeine or alcohol; but especially the energy of those around us, all our interactions, and relationships. Our nervous system is taking in all this information and filtered what is perceived as safe or dangerous. For an HSP, events that signal danger are more intense, and a breaking point is reached quicker.

Overstimulation for an HSP triggers the sympathetic nervous system – the fight or flight response – and it becomes overwhelming and disorienting. When this occurs, we don’t think straight, everything is often interpreted as a threat, and we tend to check out to manage the intense emotions. When this state becomes chronic, it can take a major toll on our physical health.

For me, a person who has struggled with perfectionist tendencies throughout my life, each bout of overstimulation presents predictable outcomes. I feel broken, like I can’t cope with the world around me. When we act from this state, it’s quite common to look back and wonder, “WTF was I thinking” or “why did I say or do that?”

It conjures thoughts of, “Why am I like this?” “What is wrong with me?” “Why am I the only one struggling?” This self-talk can lead to harsh self-criticism when the honest answer is that I am different.

I do often feel overwhelmed in large crowds, leading to intense anxiety. When I experience emotional pain, it drains me and can feel like my world is crumbling around me. For sure, regulation after being overstimulated takes me longer than most.

And, when we are different, the world often treats us like something is wrong, broken, or can’t cut it, if we have not treated ourselves that way already.

Going back to the research helps me remember that while I am in the minority, my reactions are ‘normal.’ It helps me regulate so I can focus my energy developing tools and skills, instead of ruminating on my problems and why things are so difficult.

I learn to recognize when overwhelm is setting in so I can prevent complete dysregulation of my nervous system – I breath. I move. I meditate.

Managing our energy is a delicate balance, if we avoid stimulation soon everything will present problems and we will struggle to interact in the world. Conversely, if we continually force ourselves into stimulating environments, failing to listen to our body’s warnings, life will become quite disorienting and everything will seem like a challenge.

The suggestion is to learn our tendency. Stimulation is not something to hide from. If our natural reaction is to avoid stimulating environments at all costs, we are best served challenging ourselves from time to time, developing resilience in the process. If, on the other hand, we are constantly dealing with overarousal, eventually we will begin to break down, both physically and emotionally.

Strive to better understand your trait (or maybe you recognize similar overwhelm in someone close to you). Be gentle and kind. Understand, this is part of who you are. Included in the challenges it presents, are incredible gifts that we can share with others, such as immense empathy, compassion, and a heightened sense of intuition. These gifts allow us to connect with others on a very deep level, but we must stay balanced and in the present moment. Good luck on your journey, follow along for more thoughts on HSP, perfectionism, the understanding the mind-body connection.

Please reach out with thoughts or questions. Much love friends.